I enjoy picking my ears with the Wii U Gamepad stylus. It is the only thing that has ever made any rational sense to me in this perilous game we call life. What is existence, exactly? To me, the stylus involves a biological imperative. Forgive me, for I am not perfect. #LinkedIn

I had a dream I was a Discord mod. Cried in utter horror-striken grief this morning. Please pray for my well-being during this dark time. #ThursdayVibez

Anyone can have money, just ask your local homeless person. What women really want is someone with a Costco Executive Membership. #IHaveAnUlcer #CostcoCanFixThat #KirklandSignatureOmeprazole

People'll really say stuff like "Please take a shower immediately" as if your 72 hour deodorant doesn't have an otherwise substantial 12 minutes left. Oh dear heavens. Who do these biscuit eating devils think they are? #Smelltastic #ShowerOnceAWeek #Deodorant

Mommin' ain't easy, but this pinot sure makes it pretty! Cheers to the moms who survived another Monday! #WineMom #SipSipHorray #4pmDrinking

I ate a dog today \('3')/