I knew it was april fools when my wife told me she loved me.

so excited for the new tomodachi life. now i can pretend my family loves me in HD

if they didn't want us to eat batteries why did they make them taste so good hmm?

just told my parole officer she was "cringe" and "soy." i got put on house arrest again

finally getting the divorce papers. now i can stop finding my ex-wife's framed pictures of Idris Elba that were always kind of wet.

yo

finally off house arrest tomorrow. that 7/11 cashier better pray she doesn't have a shift next time i go there.

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just asked out my parole officer out on a date (who is another guy because i'm a #newfound #homosexual) and he shocked me through the band. i didn't even know they could do that.